Bush – Congrats, Mr Black president
Obama – Thankyou, Mr son of a republican
Bush – I know I am leaving the country in quite a mess for you, but please take care of it.
Obama – Oh, yeah. I will. Don’t worry. I will immediately start reversing all your decisions.
Bush – Thanks, I couldn’t because I was the one who made them.
Obama –Yeah, I know
Bush – I have heard you are appointing Hillary Clinton as Sectary of State. Won’t you have problems working with her. She has her sights set on your job.
Obama – Wtf do you meanby that? When your father was in White House, did you have your eyes set on his job? Besides if she has, it’s natural. We are entering the generation of family politics like India. There an ex-prime minister’s son, daughter, wife, daughter-in-law and first or second cousins are the first ones to bid for the post.
Bush – Oh on the subject of India and Pakistan, remember some things. Do send copies of all your communication with Indian prime minister to Sonia Gandhi and never take a tour of Pakistan. For any communication, invite the Pakistani president to America. He loves coming here.
Obama- Thanks for the tip. I will certainly follow this advice. What about Middle East? How should I conduct myself there?
Bush – Oh, in whatever country you go, just follow some simple guidelines. As soon as you step in the country, start abusing Israel. Say how unprofessional, filthy and cheap they are. Follow this up by giving all Arabs you meet some expensive gifts. Also make sure that you praise all the expensive stuff they are wearing. Tell them about some new products which cost over 1 million dollars and are possessed by very few. This will give them something to buy and play with so that they can pass their time.
Obama – Ok. So did u follow my campaign?
Bush – Yeah, on internet. It was kind of cool. I mean you are a star right now. You know, I had convinced some Republican senators to vote for you. After eight years of bad decisions, I think now America deserves some good decisions.
Obama – Thanks. Guess what, last elections I had voted for you. I was sure that in next four years, you will surely make decisions which will help in strengthening people’s dislike for Republican Party and it will help my candidacy.
Bush – Thanks. I hope you will enjoy your stay in White House. It’s quite big.
Obama – Oh yeah, it seems to be. It seems it is made for Lalu ji’s family. Oh, Lalu ji is my politician friend from India. He has 9 or 10 children.
Bush – What crap, man. It will be big for him also. The only family whom I can think of for which it might have been unappropriately small is Obama’s family.
Obama – Yeah, guess you are right. Tell me, what should I do about Cuba?
Bush – Oh, that old fag. Keep sending him stuff. He is hell bent on making it to 40,000.
Obama – Cool. Any tips on how should I conduct myself in White House.
Bush – Oh, yeah. Always make sure that nobody enters the room in which you have kept your Cuban cigars. Never let anybody see you in your boxers. Every servant here is on the payroll of a newspaper. So, just talk on the dinner table about whatever you want to be published in the newspaper. Keep away from the interns here. Bill Clinton gave me that tip when I was assuming office here. So, I am passing it to you. Apart from that, sleep whenever you have free time because this is a 24 hour job.
Obama – Thanks a lot, man. I am not sure what blunders I would have committed without your advice.
Bush – It’s okay. Have a good term. I am writing a book on my term here. There, I might also criticize your policies. So, don’t take it to heart.
Obama – I won’t. Write whatever you want. After all, I am also done with my fair bit of criticizing your policies.
Bush – Thanks. Catch you later. Bye
Obama - bye
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Obama takes over from President Bush
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
On Alltop
There is some good news for all the readers. This blog has been added to alltop's India page as is evident by the newly displayed badge. I will like to take this occasion to thank all my readers for their constant support and encouragement.
Leia Mais…A Tutorial on how to create an ad for matrimonial section in Indian newspapers
A matrimonial ad is a perfect example of clever marketing and buying. On one hand, you are selling your ward (ward is a brand which is being marketed) while on the other hand, you are buying your groom( Groom is a product). Therefore, on one hand you have to mention all the good qualities of your ward as a marketer while on the other hand, you have to list all the attributes you want in the product which you are buying. Forging a good ad is a highly complex process and would have simulated marketers like Seth Godin to great levels. So, to solve the problems of the prospective parents who are looking to marry their daughters, here is a quick guide on how to create a compelling ad.
Always start your ad by mentioning that your daughter is fair and beautiful. If you don’t write these words, it will create suspicion in the minds of prospective suitors. They are so used to watching these words on each ad that in their absence, they will immediately move on to the next ad. Remember no matter how dark and ugly the suitor is, he always wants a fair wife.
This should be followed by the education of the girl. In case your daughter is convent educated, mention this fact explicitly. This is one of the most desirable qualities in a girl. Her professional qualifications if any should also be mentioned. In dearth of these qualifications, you can mention the short summer courses she did in summer. (“Short course in jewellery and e design”)
Follow this up by talking about her father’s occupation. This is important since it will give the boy an instant clue about how much dowry is possible and he will take appropriate follow up action. In case, you want to make your case stronger, you can give a hint by mentioning “decent marriage assured”. “Living in own flat”, “High profile” are other such cues which will carry the message across.
The next important attribute is height. In case, she is between 5’ and 5’ 4”, just mention tall. In all other cases, it is better to mention the height explicitly. This dilemma is created by the average height of Indian boys. They like girls two or three inches shorter than them. Anything above 5’4” will start approaching them uncomfortably .Mentioning it when it is below 5 is self explanatory.
To further put weight on your ad, you can use words like loving, caring, cultured etc. Statements like “adept in the works of home” etc also will multiply the chances of your ad reaching the prospective suitor.
The next portion of the ad specifies the attributes of the required groom (the buying portion). These attributes can generally be classified in the criteria given below. You can choose the criteria and implement conditions from these according to your own requirements.
1.Caste - (Only high clan Rajputs preferably Rathore, Tomar, Bhadouria, Jardon, Shekhawat and likewise should apply)
2.Income – It is always mentioned in figures. Two most common statements are “preferably earning a six figure salary” and “only high net worth individuals need respond”
3. Visa – Example :“Only green card holders” or “well settled in USA” or “qualified from reputed college of USA” need to apply
4.Education – “IIT/IIM” or “doctor” or “civil servant” are the most common examples. Ina way, they are better since they cover the income point of view also while stressing on the education.
5.Eccentric demands – Some demands are really very cool. Here are a few of them “ height between 5’7” to 5’10” “, “ good resume”, “highly professional man”, “open minded” , “fashionable” etc.
I will like to end this tutorial with an example of a perfect ad. Here is an ad which shows immense marketing and buying potential:-
“Our daughter just turned 26, 5’4”, LSR Grad in Psycho, masters in management from UK, people say is exceptionally beautiful and charming, with brilliant sense of humour, intelligent with deep understanding of life, developed human and aesthetic sensibilities, immensely creative, excellent actor with entrepreneurial capabilities, brought up in a broad minded business family with confluence of family, social and human values. Looking for a well educated, intelligent (with IQ over 130) Rajput groom with sound business background or a professional from IIT/IIM or other world class institutions, who could bring happiness in family and world around”.
Whoa!! Can you resist it?
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
2008 Round Up - Movies, Books, Songs
Continuing with our round up of the past year, we also take a look at the best which the entertainment industry had for us on offer in this past year. So, here is a list of the best books, movies and songs of past year
FEATURED BOOKS OF YEAR 2008
1.The White Tiger by Aravind Adiga
We finally have a book which actually belongs to the genre “The Dark Humor”. Dark humor is a very difficult thing to get right. If you are slightly short or ahead of the mark, the writing will appear mean and motivated by personal propaganda. Anyways, Arvind adiga, who has been nicknamed “ the servant”, gets it just right.
2.3 Mistakes of my life
This second mistake of Chetan Bhagat tells you that how important it is to know as to where to stop. Unfortunately, Chetan Bhagat continues from where he left off in his last book to dish out another bad story in an incoherent manner
3.Imagining India by Nandan Nilekani
This book has full potential to feature among the “50 all time great books which you can’t finish”. It is a written copy of the boring speech which you heard that big shot give last week at your college.
FEATURED MOVIES OF YEAR 2008
1.Tashan
The masala potboiler. The beginning of the off screen Saif- Kareena love story and subject of a lot of g-talk statuses. Nonsense glorified and personified. Highlight of the movie - Bachan using stones and wood as springboards to jump to thrice his height.
2.Love Story 2050
This has showed the consequences of releasing a movie before time. However, we can expect its sequel which will be directed by Rakesh Roshan’s grandson and released in year 2050 to be a great success.
3.Drona
The director and script writer of this movie should clear some of their concepts – there is no sea in the middle of a desert, mummies don’t cry and you can’t find places where half the people are wearing 16th century clothes and other half are wearing 20th century clothes. And yeah, most importantly for making a movie, you need a story
FEATURED SONGS OF THE YEAR 2008
1.Tandoori Nights
“If loving you is wrong, I don’t wanna be right
Tandoori nights, tandoori nights”
I guess the lyrics explain everything. Add to them Himesh Reshamiya’s voice. This has to be the song of the year.
2.When I Grow Up
How about growing up now? Although it’s a bit late by normal standards, it is never too late by absolute standards. However, I must say I can’t picture anybody other than Pussy Cat Dolls singing this song.
3.Pappu can’t dance saala
Only one question - Why, saala?
Monday, December 29, 2008
2008 Round Up
With another year coming to an end, all the newspapers and magazines have started reviewing the year which has just gone by. These days, it is a common sight to see the top and worst moments, books, music etc of the past year in various publications. Therefore, we thought that we should also wind up and move into the New Year. So, here’s a look at the year which has just gone by:-
TOP MOMENTS OF 2008
1.Mumbai Terror Attacks and other terrorist strikes
The heros :
Barkha Dutt for asking clear stance of parties again and again when they said they are with the government on this issue
Media for giving the citizens of India a live commentary and demonstration of how the NSG ( National Security Guards ) act.
Government for showing it is still capable of threatening the terrorists.
Lawyers for refusing to take up Kasab’s case with court.
Arundhati Roy for saying its not serious enough to be called India’s 9/11
Vilasrao Deshmukh for going sightseeing with his son and son’s employer to show them an event of historical importance
2.Economic Recession
The heros:
Civil Servants as their dowry price has gone up drastically in these troubled times.
Investment Bankers for setting up stalls and distributing their resumes for a job.
Housing Loans – for showing why you should not buy beer with them?
Stock Brokers – for freezing recruitment in their firms while sending out resumes for job.
3.IPL
Heros :
Lalit Modi for showing Sir Stanford how to do business in cricket
Shane Warne for showing what he could hae done with Australian team if his SMS’s did not keep getting delivered to wrong people.
Rahul Dravid: for establishing himself as a test player through this tournament.
Preity Zinta – Hey, no rumours on this blog.
4.Abhinav Bindra and Vishwanathan Anand
Heros :
IOC who celebrated their first individual gold medal in 108 years.
Suresh Kalmadi who told that after this medal, nobody can stop India from hosting 2016 olympic games.
Vladmir Kramnik who like always(as he said earlier)let Anand win this time also.
5.American Elections
Heros:
Hillary Clinton – for not giving Bill Gates the chance to interact again with White House interns
John McCain – for showing that memory loss with age is not an incompetency and for proving how Atal Bihari Vajpayee would have also been successful in America
Sarah Palin – for her winks and showing why Sonia Gandhi would not be successful in America.
OTHER MOMENTS WHICH JUST LOST OUT
Launch of Chandrayan-1
State Assembly elections in six states
Lewis Hamilton winning the F-1 driver trophy
WORST MOMENTS OF 2008
1.Himesh Reshamiya’s Karz
There are rumours that his children told him to stop growing his hair and acting like a jerk. It has also come to notice that they took another man to school as their father.
2.Nichole Scherzinger gets committed
It has come to notice that she has missed the opportunity of hooking up some of the most eligible guys on planet Earth who are currently residing in a small town in the deserts of India. These guys are just 2 years yonger than Lewis Hamilton.
3.Tatas pull out of Singur
It has been decided that the first Nano car coming out of the factory will be gifted to Mamata Banerjee. Apart from that, Narendra Modi has requested her help in moving two more projects to Gujarat.
4.Rahul Mahajan kicked out of Big Boss
He deserved the crown for all the humiliation he subjected himself to win this crown. He had been readying himself for shedding his clothes to win female votes in the last stage.
5.Raj Thackrey separating himself from his uncle
His uncle had driven out the southies. He was driving out the northies. Together, they could have driven the entire India out of Mumbai. But, alas it was not to be.
6. Sreesanth crying after being slapped
A new range of diapers is being launched in his name. He has also been chosen as the brand ambassdor of Baby Johnson products ( for showing that in every man, there is a child )
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
A Manifesto
The recent assembly elections in five states have been a rather low key affair. There were hardly any controversies and political scandals. This has been a very welcome change from the normal routine of dirty political campaigns. However, like always, we cannot say that the most eligible candidates have been selected. One of the candidates has been selected from South Delhi even after having a very questionable election manifesto. However, he says that his manifesto is practical and sets very real goals unlike the other candidates in the fray. For your convenience, we have procured a copy of his manifesto here
I, Ram Manohar Singh, am standing for the seat of State Assembly from your constituency. My manifesto points are as follows:-
1. Punjabi will be declared the state language and people who in a fit of road rage abuse in Punjabi will not be fined
2. Every person in NCR region will have the option of writing NCR as their state in their address instead of the name of their actual state.
3. The malls will be declared as heritage sites to collect money for state Treasury. There will be a cover charge for stag entry. In all the monuments of historic importance, there will be a cover charge for couple entry.
4. Every drunk driver after 10 in the night will be allowed to molest only one woman. This will help in reducing crime against woman.
5. A market similar to Pallika bazaar will be established outside each colony so that boys don’t have to go very far from their home to get all the stuff
6. The small streets of Old Delhi will be reserved for kawab shops only and rickshaws will not be allowed in these streets. This is because they cover the entire street and all pedestrians and cyclists have to move behind it.
7. New bus service will be established from various parts of Delhi to Mehrauli farmhouses
8. Bribe rates for policemen will be fixed. Fares for all the cab drivers will be fixed and will be 200% higher for people coming from outside so that they can get their present rates.
9. Anybody referring to a Delhite as DTC (For full form, please call me up) will be fined.
10. Delhi Transport Buses ( DTC ) buses will be provided with a siren just like an ambulance. Therefore, anybody who hears the siren will get out of the way. This will help in reducing these road accidents.
I will strive to fulfill all the points in my manifesto and bring peace and prosperity to the residents of my state. I will uphold the dignity of the Constitution of India at all times and fulfill the dream of its founding fathers in the right spirit.
[ Note: Manifesto for Rajasthan coming up ]
Weekly News - 2
The top stories of this week are :-
1.Now, Pak Army Man in Mumbai terror plot – Oh my God, what a surprise. It seems that the investigation has taken quite an unexpected turn of events. The government was expecting only Pakistan civilians to be involved in the attack.
2.Pope says stop homosexuality, save world – A rally is being organized in protest of this statement by parents saying - How about cleaning your own house first?
3.Antulay backtracks. The government hopes the issue is cleared. Antulay says “I had raised an issue and it has been answered.” – The government is worried about other issues Antulay might raise. It is rumoured that he might be planning to raise the issue of Hindu terrorists involved in the recent blasts in Afghanistan.
4.The shoes thrown on Bush bring employment to 100 people. Their demand in America has gone up drastically – Wonder what the conversation is these days in parties in America. One says “ See, these are the shoes with which an Iranian had beaten Bush”. The other says “ Oh really, see mine. These are the shoes with which Bush’s wife had beaten him”
5.Iran police closes down the office of Shirin Ebadi (Nobel Peace Prize Winner) – Putting Nobel Prize in perspective. When interviewed, the Iranian police said “ What is a Nobel Prize?”
6.Two youth caught stealing mobile phones – It has officially been confirmed that stealing mobile phones has taken over the chain snatching as the favorite past time of Indian youth.
7.Wine makers meet with government to discuss lowering excise duty – The government says it’s against the Gandhian principles. We should try and make the wine we produce so good that it can compete with French wines.
8.Soren’s assets double in 4 years – It has not been mentioned that they have become 10 times if wife of his property and son are included. Soren is thinking of doing a bachelor’s degree in Economics but he doesn’t want to go to the lower classes first.
9.Law passed. 5 years for people transmitting and publishing obscene material – People are asking what happens if somebody transmits it to you, you see it and then hand it back. Does the sentence still stand? The law needs to be clearly defined.
10.Miss Teen Carolina USA South Carolina’s answer is been mocked by Jimmy Kimmel and others – According to one of the judges, the point which we are forgetting is that she is also out of the same schools they are talking about. He says he has always hated this question answer part. You can put in another bathrobe sequence by replacing this, can’t u? Fair enough, we say.
