The Rajputs

Our next interview is with a very special guest who has come back from history to put forward his viewpoint in front of us. He is the Rajput king of the Kingdom of Newar. He was the king of this region at the time of invasion of India by the East India Company. This interview was recorded just before the invasion by the British. So, presenting before you the king of Newar:-

Me: My lord, thankyou for givng us your precious time. I heard you cancelled your hunting tour today to take time out for us.
King: It’s nothing. I had already gone to two hunting tours yesterday. Today, I had to cancel my tour because a Shudra crossed our path while we were on our way. Who can go if God sends such powerful signs to advise us not to go? Anyways, I have put that Shudra in jail and taken time out for you. Ask me whatever you want.

Q. My lord, right now the kingdom of Newar is into a fight with only four out of six of its neighbouring states. This is one of the most peaceful periods in the history of this kingdom. What do you think is the reason for this prosperity?
A. We have always tried to maintain peace with all our neighbours. But we cannot maintain peace with neighbours who step out of their limits and try to insult us. For example, take our northern neighbours. Last time when I was visiting their state, one of the darbans while serving water poured it over my diamond studded dress. How could I bear such insult? I immediately summoned my army to teach them a lesson. Our other northern neighbours also crossed their limits. Last time when their king came over he made physical contact with my queen. She fell over and he extended his hand to help her up. Do you think any self respecting man will be able to bear that? I immediately attacked that state. However, I cannot do anything in the fight with my eastern neighbours. We have been fighting for ages and I am only carrying forward the tradition. The fight with the fourth kingdom is purely due to personal reasons. The king of that kingdom won the last Sywamwar which I attended. But, don’t worry. I will prove my superiority over him by beating him in war. I am trying to establish good relations with our neighbours but I will like to assure my kingdom that it will not be on the cost of our respect.

Q. There are reports coming in that the British are on the verge of attacking India. What will you do to ward them off?
A. See, the British if they come are our guests. “Athithi Devo Bhawa”. We will help them in all manners possible since they will help in weeding out our rival states. My objective is to see that none of the other kingdoms in India should be able to expand their boundaries. I will befriend the British if they help us to achieve that goal. Besides, they don’t pose any challenge to us. We are invincibles. My family history and childhood training can never be matched by the British.

Q. You have five daughters and no son. What are you thinking about your successor?
A.Yes, it is a very big problem. I have sent my queen into exile as a punishment for giving birth to five daughters.I am thinking about marrying again for a son. I have again become active in the social circlre and started visiting Syamvaras.

Q. Can’t you make your daughter the head of the state?
A. Are you mad? How can a female ever become the head of this state? I have kept my daughters behind closed doors for their entire life and allowed them to come in contact with only 15 maid servants till now. What do they know about all these wordly affairs? No, it is unthinkable.

Q. What about your cousins?
A. Yes, that is possible. But my family has had a long history where the relatives killed each other for the throne. My grandfather was killed by his cousin who was killed by his second cousin who was then killed by my father for the throne. So, if I decide to make one of them the king, all these killings will again start. But I am still young. That is why I will try for a baby boy before resorting to this last option.

Q. My lord, there has been a drought in the state for past one month. What have you done to help the farmers battle these tough conditions?
A. Yes, I know about the drought. The person who comes to massage my body has lost some strength in his hands. When I asked him about it, he told me about this drought. I am trying to help the people through this crisis. At present, about 40% GDP of the state goes in acquiring precious stones ( such as diamonds, rubies etc ) which are embedded at various places in my palace. About 55% of the remaining GDP goes in the wars. Also, 20% of the people are involved in maintainance of the palace while remaining are farmers and warriors.I was thinking about increasing this 40% GDP involved in acquiring rubies to about 43%. But now because of drought, I am only increasing it upto 42%. Also, I have decided to employ 5% more people in the maintainance of the palace. This way we will be able to negate the effects of this drought.

Me: Thankyou ,my lord, for your time
King: Anytime, dude.

Leia Mais…

Delhi Blasts

About two days ago, there were bomb blasts in Delhi which left about 18 people dead and several injured. The bombs were planted in the busiest portion of the market and then denoted on a weekend so that maximum casualties may be incurred. Although such incidents are no longer news to the Indian public which has become used to its law and order being raped again and again by terrorists, it certainly does make them boil over. The only class of Indians which considers these blasts as normal are the politicians.

I was imagining myself taking an interview of Shivraj Patel, India’s home minister just after the blasts. Going by his actions, if he gave his interview truthfully, the interview would go off something like this:-

Me: Sir, thank you for giving us your time at such a crucial juncture.
Shivraj: What do you mean by thank you? You woke me up in the middle of my sleep and you are saying thank you. Don’t you have any manners. Why do you media persons have to blow everything out of proportion. Haven’t you people become used to the blasts by now. Can you count me the capital of one state which has not faced blasts in the past three years? Common, people..don’t kid me. Those people have attacked our parliament which has Z level security. What the hell is a market compared to that? Grow up and don’t make news everytime there are blasts.

Me: Sorry, sir. Is there any message you will like to give the country in this moment of grief?
Shivraj: I give the same message after every blast. I will repeat it now also. Please record it and next time, there are blasts don’t disturb me and just play it. “My dear countrymen, it is yet another attempt by the terrorists to disrupt our unity and harmony. It is our duty to exercise restraint at such a moment so that the terrorists are not successful in their mission. We condemn this incident with all our disdain and assure you that the perpetrators of this attack will not be spared.”

Me: Sir, why are the perpetrators of these attacks not brought to justice?
Shivraj: Because, my dear we have to remain in power. I cannot afford to make my votebank angry by enacting harsh laws. India is a soft state. It will remain like that. What do you want me to do? Start awarding death penalities to these terrorists. You saw how we came to power in Kerala by letting that terrorist go and remember that Kerala is the most literate state. No, we cannot do that otherwise BJP will come in power. Our fight is against communalism, not terrorism. Communalism is our No 1 enemy. Losing about 50 lives for a five year term is a very reasonable trade which we are ready to make.

Me: Sir, what will you do for the relatives of those who died?
Shivraj: They will all be awarded a handsome compensation package. I will make sure that they actually get the amount which is released to them. Not like the way it happens with military widows where they have to fight for years before they get their due. We are not that hard-hearted. Don’t worry about that.

Me: Sir, Israel is known for the way they combat terrorism. The last person who was responsible for Munich Games debacle was killed 25 years after that event. Why can’t we hunt the terrorists with the same zeal?
Shivraj: I know. We can do the same thing. Our police is very good. But we don’t want to spoil the relations we have with the terrorists. For example, take the case of Daud Ibrahim. His son-in-law is my very good friend. I am thinking about giving him a ticket for elections next time. Besides, Daud sir himself has so many friends in the film and political circles. We don’t want to spoil those relationships. Besides, the public also doesn’t like action to be taken against popular people. You followed the Sanajy Dutt case, didn’t you? How people were begging and writing letters to get him off the hook. Besides, we should be soft towards Pakistan. I cannot hurt my votebank.

Me: What efforts will you make so that things like these are not repeated in Future?
Shivraj: I will appear in 4-5 talk shows and tell people that there is nothing to worry. Mrs Sonia Gandhi will repeat the message which I just now gave to the public. We will also catch 4-5 miscreants who we were already keeping an eye on. Although, they are not involved in the blasts but they were members of the sleeping cell of a terrorist organization. But most importantly, I will do nothing. Nobody can afford to survive without going on their jobs. So, in two days in spite of the risks, they will go on their jobs and everything will be normal. Then, I will wait for the blasts to occur again. Hopefully, this will be somewhere other than Delhi. Then I can blame the state government.

Me: Thanks a lot,sir.
Shivraj: My pleasure.

Leia Mais…

Olympics

Recently, the Beijing Olympics got over. They are being touted by media as one of India's biggest sporting successes on world stage.Although they were a success considering India's previous performance,the amount of hype which is being generated is quite unnecessary and unjustified.

I will like to narrate the chain of events in these Olympics from the viewpoint of an Indian :-

1. The Indian contingent leaves for Beijing. It consists of 57 athletes. It is about half the number of medal winners of USA in the Athens Olympics. These 57 athletes are also accompanied by 42 officials.
2. Half of the Indians discover in the middle of Olympics after going to Beijing that Indian hockey team has not qualified this time.
3. Sonia Gandhi goes with her family to witness Olympics and enjoy a summer holiday. Interestingly, China extended an invitation to her but not to the PM even when the standard procedure is to extend it to the head of the nation. It seems China also knows our head of the state.
4. Avneet Kaur ( the “ace” Indian shooter )sees Rafael Nadal from a handshaking distance. She becomes so excited that she misses her practice and finds her voice only at the press conference next day.
5. Ukraine, a country in Europe with a population of about 25% of Uttar Pradesh crosses the mark of 20 medals 14 days into the Olympics. (20 is a historic figure. It is the total number of medals grossed by India in its 108 year old Olympic history )
6. Indian contingent returns with three medals. It is regarded as one of the most successful Olympics for India ( especially after the last show at Athens where we returned with one silver medal ). Indian NEWS channels broadcast the news of these medals as breaking news for one day and then discuss it for the next 20 days.
7. PT Usha, Suresh Kalmadi, Milkha Singh and a lot of their generation people attend talk shows hosted by various TV channels to discuss this stupendous success of India. They also criticize the government for not doing anything to improve the condition of sportsmen.
8. The Government welcomes back Sonia Gandhi from her visit. It regards it as a highly successful diplomatic visit which will help strengthen ties between India and China
9. The focus shifts back to cricket.

Leia Mais…